The Love Diseases
Original text including entries from 'abstinence' to 'bites and scratches'. This was written before AIDS. The statements below are still true. But HIV and hepatitis C have supervened in the public consciousness. And sexual activity is not the only source of infection: needles predominate.
Introduction
In this book I've tried to bring together, in an easy reference form, the common
problems of sexual activity and deal with them in as basic and light-hearted
a fashion as seemed appropriate. Sexual techniques today are openly discussed.
Marriage is not nowadays a prerequisite to making love. Some of the simpler
erotic arts are in daily use in homes up and down the land. But there's a suspicion
that, in spite of the sex manuals, the proportion of people with good technique,
and without guilt feelings, hasn't really changed very much over the years.
There's nothing new about any of the positions, activities, or so-called perversions:
the only thing peculiar to this end of the twentieth century is that we can
now do it 35,000 feet up in the sky. There's nothing new about the thesis that
you need time and money to get sophisticated about sex: today many people have
that time and money.
But while we've been fighting for decades to overcome the heritage of religious
repression, we still haven't done all that well. Girls still get pregnant by
mistake; parents still don't tell their children about menstruation or masturbation
in time; teachers still cop out in the biology classes by omitting to mention
the delights of fucking.
People - especially young people and travellers - still catch sexually transmitted
infections. Most of these, if treated, are no worse than a bad cold, nowhere
near as debilitating as an attack of flu, nowhere near as damaging as chronic
bronchitis. But irritation and soreness, minor in medical terms, can be a blight
on life out of all proportion to its seriousness - especially if it's between
your legs.
Impotence and frigidity are terms that can be applied to most of us at some
time (usually wrongly).
And love - real love, not songwriter's love - is nearly as taboo a subject in
pubs, pool halls and discos, as is death. VD isn't such a taboo subject, but
the amount of real information that is exchanged is as much as the real information
we have about life after death.
What do we mean when we use the phrase 'venereal disease'?
The term is often used in the singular as if 'it' was one condition. Further
questioning usually establishes that the speaker meant gonorrhoea - the clap.
Venereal comes from Venus the Goddess of Love, and means of or by sexual intercourse.
The principal diseases transmitted exclusively by genital contact have, historically,
been syphilis and gonorrhoea, with a few others more common in tropical parts.
This century has seen the recognition that several other diseases can be - and
usually are - transmitted sexually. Some doctors are beginning to think that
to separate venereal and/or sexually transmitted disease (VD or STD) from other
conditions of the sex organs or urinary system is unfair to the patient and
doesn't help or encourage people to seek treatment.
So there's a move to stop calling clinics that specialise in the treatment
of syphilis and gonorrhoea 'special clinics' or 'VD clinics', and call them
'STD clinics' or include it in the 'Department of GU (Genito-Urinary) Medicine'.
The move hasn't got very far: most of them are still 'special clinics' - and
most of them are tucked away at the back of hospitals or in separate buildings.
But they deal more with thrush, trich and NSU than the traditional pox and clap,
so in this book I shall refer to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) rather
than venereal diseases.
One of the aims of the book is to demystify the STDs and help prevent infection
among people with any chance of getting infected (those who fuck), people with
a high chance of getting infected (those who screw around), and people for whom
infection would be a disaster (those who like a bit on the side).
Another aim is to include conditions associated with all sorts of sexual activity,
not just the transmission of infection. And to liven up the book the alphabetical
index of conditions, symptoms, diseases, treatment and so on is interspersed
with quotations and drawings: some relevant; some amusing; all, I hope, interesting.
Finally, please don't let this book put you off. Sex can be fun, exciting,
fulfilling, joyous, loving, intimate - in fact, wonderful. Like all things in
life, you have to work at it. Read this book in conjunction with the great novels
of the world, with poetry, and with the better sex manuals.
How to use this book
When a word is set in bold type like this - thrush - it means there is an entry
for that word where you'll get more information. Here's a list of common questions
and where to find the answers. Following that is a list of all the entries so
you can see at a glance the scope of the book. And at the end of the book, under
where, is a list of places you can go to for more help and some suggestions
for further reading. Enjoy - with care.
Some common questions and where to find the answers
What do I do if I think I've caught a VD? ......... see action
How can I tell if I might have an STD? ........ see symptoms
Is it true about lavatory seats? . . . see lavatory seats and towels
What are the chances of getting clap? .......... see incidence
What happens when you get the pox? .......... see syphilis
When and where did VDs first start? ...... see history of VDs
What happens when you go to the clinic? ......... see clinics
What do I do if I can't come? ..... see orgasm, difficulty with
What do I do if I can't get an erection? ....... see impotence
Do you have to stop drinking under treatment? .... see alcohol
Is it true about wanking? ................ see masturbation
Are male gays more likely to get STDs? ............ see gays
Can girls pass these diseases to one another? ........ see gays
Do you have to tell your partner? ........ see contact tracing
How can I prevent myself getting STDs? ...... see prevention
Do they really expect me to give up screwing? . . see abstinence
abortion
Premature termination of pregnancy, either deliberate or spontaneous (miscarriage).
Abortion can be relatively safely induced during the first eight weeks (i.e.
within a month of the first missed period) and more uncomfortably up to 16 weeks.
After that doctors prefer not to induce abortion unless there are exceptional
medical reasons, but they can, legally, up to 28 weeks. See contraception, pregnancy.
If you have to have an abortion be prepared for the experience to be a shock
to the system: some girls are right as rain next day, but others may be depressed,
tearful, weak and uncomfortable for a few days afterwards. This is the mind's
normal reaction, but girls are often even more upset because no one warned them
and they didn't expect any reaction. It doesn't happen to everyone: it's not
inevitable. But don't be surprised if you feel a deep sense of guilt and desertion,
as though you have rejected a responsibility. It is possible - these days, even
probable - that you were justified in so doing. Nevertheless, the sensation
that you have in some way failed to protect a being that was placed in your
charge is a likely and frightening probability. Please don't feel guilty. But
do think before you allow it to happen again. (See Our Bodies Ourselves - where
- for an account of what it's like to have an abortion.)
If you think you're pregnant don't panic until you've confirmed it. You can get a urine testing kit from the chemist, or get a free test at some abortion advice organisations. See where and sex and the law.
The way she put it was: 'When you make love you're using up energy; and afterwards you feel happy and don't give a damn for anything. They can't bear you to feel like that. They want you to be bursting with energy all the time. All this marching up and down and cheering and waving flags is simply sex gone sour. If you're happy inside yourself, why should you get excited about Big Brother and the Three Year Plans and the Two Minutes Hate and all the rest of their bloody rot?' That was very true, he thought. There was a direct intimate connexion between chastity and political orthodoxy.
George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four 1949Love does not express itself on command; it cannot be called out like a dog to his master - merely because one thinks he needs to see it. Lore is autonomous; it obeys only itself.
* Robert C. Murphy, Psychotherapy Based on Human Longing
... sexual adequacy in aging white rats increased when the animals had a chance to copulate with a number of females. As soon as the males had reached a certain age, however, the stimulating effect of variety became weaker and weaker, until copulation ceased altogether. It should be borne in mini, however, that lower animals are not as capable of introducing stimulative innovations into their sexual acts as humans are.
McCary's Human Sexuality 1978
abstinence
Doing without, in this context, sex. Usually means going with out sexual contact
with other people, although strictly speaking it ought to include masturbation.
It is an important part of the management of sexually transmitted diseases,
but then it does not usually include masturbation. So you may play with your
self or with one another while you are on drug treatments for STDs, so long
as you wash your hands immediately after touching anybody's genitals (including
your own) and before touching anything else (especially eyes and mouth). The
bath would be a good place for this sort of sex play during prescribed abstinence
- but have a final shower separately and don't use the same towels.
Abstinence for choice will do you no harm: it can be a useful tool in helping
you sort out your life (but see aging and masturbation for advice on keeping
in practice sexually). It can also be an effective guilt transfer. If your lover
is not satisfying you, it can be very tempting indeed to deny your favours -
if only by lying still and making him (or her) feel guilty by being sexually
aloof. Ask yourself what or where it gets you before you make a habit of it.
accidental hanging
The police keep on finding people (men, usually) hanging upside down in wardrobes,
trussed up like chickens, wearing ladies underwear, and dead. This is accidental
hanging. It can be avoided by retraining your masturbation fantasies in less
dangerous areas: wanking in Whitehall at the State Opening of Parliament; enticing
three lesbian nuns to the top of Snowdon to do it; or using the exhaust pipe
of a Jaguar XJ12. Never put anything round the throat in tying-up games. See
suffocation.
action
If you think you have an infection or any other genital problem, get help as
soon as possible. You should be on good enough terms with your family doctor
to talk to him in confidence. (If you're not, change him - or her.) But many
doctors know little about STDs and are not always as sympathetic as they might
be. If every doctor's wife had thrush maybe the doctors would pay more attention
to the distressed ladies they see as neurotic. 'All they've got is an itch between
their legs'; an unscratchable itch that's driving them mad, and their husbands
or boyfriends.
You will not get sympathy at all special clinics, either - but you will get
fast testing and the benefit of experience and up-to-date treatment.
Find the telephone number of your nearest clinic under VENEREAL DISEASES in
the telephone directory.
Ring them up and find out what their hours are.
Go and see them
aging
As people grow older their sexual desires do not necessarily change, but they
become less active in the pursuit of love (maybe from boredom with an habitual
partner). Periods of enforced abstinence because of lack of opportunity may
get longer and more frequent. As women stop being fertile in the middle of their
lives, while men remain fertile until they die, there's bound to be a difference
in attitude. The trick is to keep yourself in shape sexually with masturbation,
so that the responses are still intact when the opportunities do arise. It does
seem to be true that lack of use leads to lack of ability in old age. (See heart
conditions.)
Women may find that the vagina and vulva tend to be drier as they grow older,
so a lubricant may become a regular necessity both for fucking and masturbation.
A doctor may feel it is worth trying some of the special preparations for these
vaginal changes, but find out whether it contains hormones or steroids, discuss
the potential disadvantages with the doctor before using it, and be alert to
what is happening. (See lubrication.)
By the way, remember that age is like money and brains: a tremendous asset
unless you become ostentatious about it. For most people, particularly women,
all the sexually off-putting signs like lines on the skin, sagging breasts,
paunches and so on can be eliminated by exercise, diet and special treatments:
surgery, skin peeling and so on. Do you care enough to look your very best?
If not, don't complain. .
AIDS…
See Hepatitis and DON'T BUGGER WITHOUT A CONDOM.
Macduff: What three things does drink especially provoke?
Porter: Marry, sir, nose painting, sleep and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him, it sets him on and it ' takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to: in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.
Macduff: / believe, drink gave thee the lie last night. William Shakespeare, Macbeth 1606
I still have a diary entry . . . asking myself whether talk about the size of a male organ isn't a homosexual preoccupation: if things aren't too bad in other ways I doubt if any woman cares very much. Lillian Hellman, Pentimento
alcohol
We're concerned here with two aspects of alcohol: its effect on performance
(see brewer's droop), and its effect on the treatment of STDs. That alcohol
is often a major source of misery and disharmony in close relationships - between
lovers and friends, for instance - is outside the scope of this book, but it's
worth commenting that while a bottle of champagne at the right time (breakfast,
tea, supper, 3 a.m.) or a glass of Drambuie in the right place (crutch, navel,
breast, or recalcitrant prick, for example) may have wondrous effects, and a
large whisky may be very helpful when it has all gone wrong, excessive alcohol
leads to that crackling-of-eyelids, bursting-for-a-pee, who-the-hell's-that
syndrome . . . and you-can't-remember-if-you-did-it, let-alone-enjoyed-it routine.
One assumes it's for the latter reason that doctors treating STDs usually say
lay off the alcohol - no drinking for three weeks. The aim presumably is to
reduce opportunities for re-infection, and perhaps there's a certain punitive
element in it: you've been a naughty boy or girl and here's a big smack for
being rude with another girl or boy. A hangover of Victorian puritanism? Part
of the doctor as God or master, patient as subject or slave. It's also totally
unrealistic: heavy drinkers are unlikely to take much notice, alcoholics will
take no notice and light drinkers don't need to take notice. Practical reasons
given are that alcohol makes some conditions worse and that it reacts badly
with some drugs - Flagyl is one where there is a real danger.
Alcohol is a vasodilator - it increases blood flow in the skin and extremities.
Hence that feeling of warmth (misplaced, because it increases heat-loss), the
flush that some women feel after a drink or two (in face and cunt). An inflamed
area may get more inflamed and feel worse with alcohol (on the other hand increased
blood flow promotes healing and may bring more of the active drugs to the area).
So patients being treated with drugs for infections or inflammation (whether
sexual or not) might be warned that alcohol may make it worse - and left to
decide for themselves whether they can bear it or not. In the case of treatment
for clap, in most cases symptoms clear up in 24 hours so one day is enough to
cut down on alcohol.
The second point, that it sometimes interferes or reacts with the antibiotic,
is only true of a few people - a minority of patients. If you know you are sensitive
to the combination, obviously you must cut out alcohol during treatment. If
you know you're not, carry on as normal. If you're not sure, don't get plastered
while you are taking antibiotics, don't drive, and stop drinking if you experience
any untoward reaction. Some people seem to become more sensitive to alcohol
and so they need less. So if you've never taken antibiotics before, go easy
on the alcohol for the first few days. If you have taken antibiotics and alcohol
together before, you should have a better idea than the doctor as to its effect.
allergy
See antibiotics, and urethritis (NSU/NGU). Allergy to antibiotics, if known,
should be made clear to doctors who can prescribe alternatives for most STDs.
Some cases of NSU may be the result of an allergic type reaction to perfectly
normal vaginal conditions.
My two lips, eyes, thighs, differ from thy two, But so, as mine from one another do;
And, oh, no more; the likeness being such, Why should they not alike in all parts touch?
John Donne, Sappho to Philaenis circa 1620
anal gonorrhoea
Pain or soreness during bowel movements and a general feeling of tenderness
may be anal gonorrhoea but most people with the condition have no symptoms.
The infection usually includes the rectum, so it is dealt with under rectal
gonorrhoea. The most likely cause in men is anal intercourse, although it is
conceivable that an infected lady who has been touching herself and then puts
her finger up your bum could transfer the infection.
A likely cause in women is also anal intercourse, but equally likely is transfer
of the infection from vulva to anus in the vaginal secretions. You could even
be causing it unwittingly as you spread the juices around while masturbating.
anatomy
Just to make absolutely sure that you know what I mean when I use anatomical
names, here's a description, with diagrams, of the external genitalia or private
parts.
The penis (prick, male member) has a knob on the end called the glans. There's
a groove between the shaft of the penis and the glans: in a circumcised man,
the skin covering the shaft ends here. In an uncircumcised man a fold of skin
called the foreskin (or prepuce) covers the glans and doubles back to this groove.
Normally the foreskin can be pulled back to expose the glans. The foreskin should
be pulled back while washing (see hygiene and foreskin, unretractable). A hole
in the end of the glans is the opening of the urethra, the tube through which
urine passes when peeing and through which semen is ejaculated when coming.
The balls (testicles) are contained in the scrotum. The diagram shows how the
vas deferens and epididymis link the balls, prostate and urethra.
The vulva (pussy, fanny) is bounded by the outer lips (labia) on the edge of the hairline and together with the vagina makes up the cunt. Parting the fleshy outer lips will reveal the delicate inner "lips, which come in many shapes and sizes, sometimes with quite long tags. The anus in the woman is close to the vulva and it's easy to see how infection can pass between them. Going from back to front, or from bottom to top lying on your back, inside the vulva the first thing we come to is the vaginal opening. Until a woman is excited this may be very narrow, or, if she's had several babies and even if she is not excited, may be big enough to take several fingers. Next is the urethra, through which urine passes when you pee. It may be difficult to tell with fingers where the opening of the urethra is, so sometimes it gets stimulated by mistake. This may arouse a desire to pee, or it may make the urethra sore and susceptible to infection (see cystitis and peeing, accidental).
The clitoris is next: a rubbery knob at the junction of the inner lips with a soft fold of skin, the hood, which covers the glans or tip of the clitoris. The clitoris is the most sensitive and sexually arousable part of the vulva and may be too sensitive to be touched directly. It is important to be gentle with it when you get to it: some women like the area around to be caressed, others eventually need violent rubbing, others may require the lightest of touches.
Girls should find out what they like best by experimenting with different techniques, so they can give some clues to their lovers. On the other hand the lovers may be able to tell from a girl's response what is working well.
However, this is not a sex manual, see The Joy of Sex - see where -
or one of the others for a rundown on technique.
The vagina runs upwards and backwards from the vulva in a standing woman. In
a woman lying down on her back it runs downwards and headwards at about 45°.
At the top and front of the vagina you can feel the cervix, a rounded knob with
an indentation in the middle. This is the opening of the cervical canal, up
which sperm make their way - if they get the slightest chance, and down which
come the products of menstruation or pregnancy: i.e. menstrual flow or babies.
antibiotics
Doctors often use the term 'chemotherapy' to mean a course of treatment with
antibacterial drugs. Antibiotics are anti-bacterials: but not all antibacterials
are antibiotics. (Strictly speaking antibiotics are derived from micro-organisms
- like the mould of penicillin - although today many are synthetic Effective
antibiotics can only be obtained on prescription. Don't take old pills you've
had lying around since the last time - and don't take tablets originally prescribed
for someone else.
It was at the end of my freshman year of high school - and freshman year of masturbating - that I discovered on the underside of my penis, just where the shaft meets the head, a little discolored dot that has since been diagnosed as a freckle. Cancer. I had given myself cancer. All that pulling and tugging at my own flesh, all that friction, had given me an incurable disease. And not yet fourteen! In bed at night the tears rolled from my eyes. "No!" I sobbed. "I don't want to die! Please - no!" But then, because I would very shortly be a corpse anyway, I went ahead as usual and jerked off into my sock. I had taken to carrying the dirty socks in to bed with me at night so as to be able to use one as a receptacle on retiring, and the other upon awakening
Phillip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint 1969.
anxiety
There's anxiety about catching sexually transmitted diseases: a not uncommon
side-effect of reading books like this. The efforts of the authorities to find
and treat all venereal infections will cause unnecessary anxiety in some people.
In this book you'll find all sorts of unpleasant descriptions, both of the later
effects of certain diseases and the early symptoms of most of them. >baldly
printed, the most ordinary things look off-putting. The description of clap's
discharge is not much different from the description you would make of the end
products of a cold or of the phlegm brought up in bronchitis. A perfectly normal,
healthy, adult human turd is considered offensive in the Western world, but
dogs are allowed to crap all over the pavements (and my front doorstep), and
baby shit is looked upon with an emotion amounting almost to love by some mothers
- in spite of the fact that it contains far more dangerous bacteria than the
adult variety.
It is natural that we should worry more about our sex organs and their idiosyncrasies
than about our hearts or our livers: hearts and livers go on working for years
without any attention from us - until, of course, the stresses we've exposed
them to show up in malfunction. But, given the lack of information, the embarrassment
and the furtiveness with which so many of us are still brought up, and the expectations
that society puts on us to perform adequately in bed when we do get there, it's
only natural that we should be anxious about sex. It starts with anxiety about
size and shape of prick and pussy: that's why under anatomy there are drawings
of different sorts of pricks - they all end up roughly the same when they get
hard; and of different cunts - from neat, tight, and elegant to the gapingly
luscious. But what you can see or feel of the genitals does not necessarily
define what the owner's response is going to be. It needs saying time and time
again: there's a great variety among human sex organs - and there's an equally
great potential for adaptation of one to another. Thickness of penis is more
important to most women than length, and technique, intimacy, affection and
trust are more important than either. Chance plays an unrecognisably large part:
the accidents of chemistry - the matching of body scents, the reaction between
fingers and skin, sensual preference and timings - are all in the lap of the
gods and may or may not turn out to be compatible after those first eye-to-eye
signals of mutual interest.
The next source of anxiety is performance - see impotence, premature ejaculation,
frigidity and vaginismus. Some men can screw anything that takes
their fancy; some women are always desperate to get laid. But most people need
time to get to know one another, and no one should expect to get it right first
time. If it happens - great. If it doesn't - and you still like one another
- try again.
Normal accidents of biology, like a little discharge or an itch, have got a quite unnecessary stigma of filth and degradation. No wonder people worry and even get phobias about catching venereal infections. These days, of course, many of the relatively minor infections, thrush and trich, for instance, can arise spontaneously inside a marriage or close relationship without involving anyone else. (And the symptoms may result from any one of several causes.) So the best thing to do if you're anxious is to go along to the clinic and get checked out - once. But clinics do get people who keep coming back, and never have anything wrong with them. Such people may need psychotherapy and could, perhaps, approach their family doctor for help.
Just to show how it all fits together at full penetration [caption for drawing]
"Love is always unnatural. It's the absolute antinature. It's the crime the insurrection par excellence against the order or the universe, the false note in the music of the spheres. It s Man escaping from the Garden of Eden with a burst of laughter. It s the failure of God's plans." Emmanuelle Arsan, Emmanuelle 1975
arthritis
See Reiter's syndrome.
babies and gonorrhoea
A woman may become sterile as a result of salpingitis, a complication of untreated
gonorrhoea, so she can't have babies. An embryo - the developing baby - may
become infected as it is born. This may take the form of an eye condition -
ophthalmia neonatorum. As most women who become infected don't know about it
until they're told by a man, the onus for pre venting these things happening
lies with the man. See contact tracing.
backache
Can be caused by many sexual activities. Mouth to cunt contact can be very wearing
on the neck if the girl lies on her back and her friend between her legs. A
heavy person sitting on your chest is quite likely to strain muscles in the
back. And some of the more athletic positions can result in aching backs the
next day. Even the missionary position - popular only in Western nations - is
bad for the back.
It's disconcerting when you're trying to change from one position to another
without becoming disengaged - and the other person suddenly moves in a direction
different from that expected. You're caught off balance and you feel a wrench
somewhere in your spine. A few hours later you're crippled, hardly able to move.
A case for the osteopath. There's one blessing, though. Sometimes the only thing
that deals with the pain is a good fuck: and this time it has to be a lazy one
for the back sufferer - the best position (perhaps flat on back, or curled up
belly to buttocks), the least movement, the most attention. As excitement mounts,
the pain recedes. As the pain recedes, movement returns. Suddenly everything
is normal. You come. And the pain comes flooding back. There's only one thing
for it: start again.
Backache in women often results from pelvic congestion. This in turn can be
caused by prolonged sexual stimulation without orgasm, or specific inflammatory
conditions such as salpingitis.
bacterial infections
Unlike viral infections, most bacteria can be killed by suitable doses of antibiotics.
But some bacteria become resistant to previously effective antibiotics, so you
have to increase the dose. This happens with gonorrhoea: the dose is now 10
times what it was when penicillin was first used. Sometimes one dose is all
you need, although you may be given more than one to be sure: simple non-resistant
gonorrhoea is like that. Syphilis, on the other hand, needs weeks of penicillin
and constant testing. Other bacteria don't respond to penicillin at all, and
other types of antibiotic like tetracycline may be prescribed.
balinitis
Inflammation (soreness, redness) of the glans (the knob or head of the prick).
The foreskin may also be sore. Most common cause is inadequate hygiene, but
it may be a response to insufficient lubrication while fucking. (It is also
a symptom of diabetes mellitus and may be the first one, so make sure the doctor
tests your urine for sugar.) It can be the result of an associated discharge,
and when the foreskin is too tight to be retracted it may be difficult to tell
whether the pus is coming from infected smegma or from a urethritis.
Best treatment is with salt water. Dissolve a teaspoon of salt in a pint of
water and soak your prick in it several times a day. It'll be even better with
hot water. Ease the foreskin back as much as possible to let the salt water
get between it and the glans. In severe cases you may be given sulphonamides
to help combat infection.
Best prevention is daily washing. If the foreskin cannot be pulled back at all,
circumcision may be necessary.
bartholinitis
Inflammation of Bartholin's glands, which lie at the vaginal entrance. You'll
only be aware of their existence if they become enlarged by inflammation. Possible
causes include gonorrhoea and trich infections, in which case it will probably
be accompanied by other signs. Check it out at a special clinic.
bestiality
Sexual intercourse with animals is illegal - see sex and the law. If you accept
the rule that anything goes provided it doesn't harm or disturb others, then
the shepherd who screws his sheep on some lonely moor should not be castigated.
(Sheep are a devil to hold still, I understand, hence the trick of placing the
hind legs in your Wellington boots. Wear thick socks if you want to avoid scratches
on your legs.) Pigs, altogether more intelligent and friendly animals, are also
more amenable and appear to enjoy it if you catch them at the right time. (Farmers
test the readiness of a sow for the boar by standing astride the animal. If
the sow stands still she's ready.)
Chicken-fucking is not unknown: country lore (or old bore's tales) has it that
wringing the neck of a chicken while it is impaled on your prick is a pleasure
without compare. Its death throes are said to bring you off in fine style.
Some dogs are embarrassingly uninhibited in their sexual demands and it's no
wonder that some women enjoy their dogs more than their men. After all, the
dogs are captive and always available, don't go out boozing, gambling or whoring,
are cheap to feed, quick off the mark, and don't waste a lot of time in boring
foreplay. The only trouble is that they don't realise that farting is socially
unacceptable (in the West).
bites and scratches
There's little you can do about most bites received in sexual ecstasy. They're
a dead giveaway, of course, but that's not my problem. It's the same with scratches
on back and bum - if you've had a bath or shower they should be clean enough.
You could dust them with antiseptic powder; douse them in iodine, if you're
feeling masochistic; or cover them in paint-on plastic skin, if you're feeling
fragile. I once had a bite on the inside of my thigh that left a bruise 5 in.
across and a set of tooth marks you could convict for murder on - but it didn't
break the skin. It lasted for weeks.
Animal bites need a little more care - whether it's his poodle who has jumped
on your back at the wrong moment, or a cat who has nibbled your nipples too
hard. If they show the slightest sign of going septic (redness, increasing pain,
pus) go to a casualty department or your doctor.
There have been some unfortunate episodes: such as the man who suffered severe injury when the girl sucking him off went into an epileptic fit with her teeth locked deep into his prick.
[more extracts later]